Sleep and babies. Babies and sleep. It is definitely one of the topics spoken about most, and probably one of the questions new parents get asked more than anything else: “How are they sleeping?”
We are a society obsessed with babies sleeping like adults, despite the fact that they are not adults and are not biologically designed to sleep like us. We can become convinced that something must be wrong with our baby when they wake frequently through the night for months, or even years, and we are massively unprepared for how long those night wakes can actually continue. When you are expecting to be tired for a few weeks and then return to something resembling normal sleep, waking multiple times a night months later can come as a huge shock. It can leave you feeling exhausted, angry, frustrated and, sometimes, wondering what is wrong with your baby.
I wish antenatal classes spent more time explaining how babies brains and stomachs actually work, so that parents understood why frequent waking is normal and could prepare for it, rather than the sleep industry making so much money convincing exhausted parents that they need gadgets, programmes and sleep consultants to “teach” their children to sleep.
They already know how to sleep.
They sleep for the biological age they are. Frequent waking is part of their normal development and, importantly, it is a safety mechanism. Babies are designed to wake frequently; and understanding this can completely change how you feel about those night wakes.
I expected my daughter to sleep through the night by the time she started school. If it happened before then, I considered that a bonus. In reality, she started sleeping through the night just before she turned two because she was biologically ready for it. And you know what? She did it without me having to “train” her to sleep.
So, if babies are supposed to wake, how do you actually survive it?
Rest whenever you can
The advice to “sleep when the baby sleeps” is one of those things that sounds wonderfully simple until you actually have a newborn. Sometimes you need to eat, shower, go to the loo or simply stare into space for twenty minutes because you have not had a moment to yourself all day.
So, I would change the advice slightly: rest when your baby rests whenever you can.
You do not necessarily have to sleep. Embrace the contact nap if that means you get to lie on the sofa or in bed while your baby sleeps on you. Put your feet up. Close your eyes. Watch something mindless. Give your body a chance to stop.
Remember that you are recovering too. Pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period place enormous physical and biochemical demands on your body, and recovery does not magically finish because you have reached six weeks postpartum. Your body needs time, nourishment and rest, even when your baby needs you constantly.
Make the nights as easy as possible
If you choose to co-sleep, make sure you understand the safer sleep guidance and create an environment that makes night waking as straightforward and safe as possible.
For many breastfeeding parents, having your baby close means you do not have to get up, walk to another room, switch on lights and fully wake yourself every time your baby needs you. You can feed, comfort them and settle back down again without completely coming out of that sleepy state.
And sometimes your baby is not hungry at all. They simply need reassurance that you are still there. Being able to reach out and hold their hand, or place your hand gently on them, can be enough to help them settle.
For me, making night-time as physically easy as possible is a complete game changer when you have a baby who wakes frequently.
Eat for energy, not just survival
When you are desperately tired, reaching for coffee, biscuits and anything containing sugar is completely understandable. You are trying to get through the day, after all.
But living on caffeine and sugar can leave you feeling even more depleted overall, particularly when you are already dealing with broken sleep and the demands of caring for a newborn.
Do your best to eat regularly and prioritise good-quality protein and healthy fats alongside plenty of nutrient-dense carbohydrates, fruit and vegetables. You do not need a perfect postnatal diet, and this is absolutely not the time to be worrying about losing the baby weight.
Protein, fats and fibre can help provide more sustained energy than constantly chasing that next sugar hit, and eating properly is one of the simplest ways you can support yourself when sleep is in short supply.
Stop comparing your baby to someone else’s
And please, do your best to ignore the parents who tell you their baby has slept through the night since eight weeks, or only wakes once and has done since they were tiny.
Firstly, babies are different. Secondly, “sleeping through the night” can mean very different things to different people. And thirdly, comparing your baby to somebody else’s baby will not make your nights any easier.
Your baby is not failing because they wake more frequently than another baby.
They are not manipulating you.
They are not “playing you”.
They are not giving you a hard time.
They are a baby.
Their brains and nervous systems are immature, they have tiny stomachs, they need feeding, reassurance, warmth and connection, and they are biologically programmed to seek you out. Their brains are still operating with very ancient survival mechanisms that are designed to keep them close to a caregiver and alert to their environment.
They wake because they are designed to wake.
And once you understand that, those night wakes can feel very different.
Of course, knowing that something is biologically normal does not make being awake at 2am any less exhausting. Sleep deprivation is still sleep deprivation. You are allowed to find it hard. You are allowed to be fed up. You are allowed to desperately want a full night’s sleep while also understanding that your baby is doing exactly what they are supposed to do.
What I would love more parents to have is realistic expectations before their baby arrives, because when you are prepared for frequent waking, you can focus on finding ways to make it manageable, (like not looking at the time when you get woken up, you will feel so much better not knowing!) rather than spending months wondering what you are doing wrong.
Society accepts that adults might need someone to cuddle them to sleep. We accept that an adult might wake in the night because they are thirsty and need a drink, or because they need the loo, or because they have had a nightmare and want reassurance from their partner.
So why do we expect our tiny babies, whose brains and bodies are still developing at an extraordinary rate, to sleep alone for twelve hours without needing anything from us?
They are not broken. They are babies.
And sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is stop trying to make them sleep like adults and start working with what their biology is actually asking them to do.
So why do we not allow this of our tiny babies, who have no understanding of the world they are in? All they want to know is that they are safe.
Need a little extra support?
If you’re struggling with newborn sleep, feeling completely exhausted, or simply want some reassurance that what your baby is doing is normal, this is exactly the sort of thing I help with in my postnatal support sessions.
We can talk through your baby’s sleep and routines, help you understand what is happening from a newborn’s perspective, and look at practical ways to make those broken nights more manageable. You can also use the time to talk about breastfeeding, your own recovery, or anything else that is worrying you — sometimes having someone who understands newborns sit down with you and talk everything through can make a huge difference.
You can find out more about my postnatal support, or if you already have support in place and just need a little extra help, you can book postnatal bolt-on sessions for £130 per hour.
Medical Disclaimer
The information in this article is for general educational purposes only and is not intended to replace individual medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from your GP, midwife, health visitor or other qualified healthcare professional.
Every baby and family is different. If you have concerns about your baby’s health, feeding, development or sleep, please seek advice from an appropriate healthcare professional. When making decisions about your baby’s sleep, always follow current safer sleep guidance. The Lullaby Trust’s safer sleep guidance provides detailed information about safer sleep, including their guidance on co-sleeping.
